Learning to trust again
by MelanaAdara
Summary: What would happen if a badly traumatised young man Impressed a green dragon?


What would happen if a badly traumatised young man Impressed a green dragon?

The runner stood patiently in its stall as Jothan groomed it so he was able to let his thoughts wander. His father teased him for being a dreamer, but so long as he got his work done and learned all he needed to know in the running of the hold Loren didn't mind.

Loren's hold, Low River, nestled in the foothills of the Benden range, to the south of the region, was only a minor hold, but the runners he bred were among the best around and always sold well at gathers. It was a small but well run hold with just a handful of occupants, Loren and his partner Ruarii, their wives, and children, a journeyman harper, Tairel, and some labourers. Loren's wife Toria ran the household, helped by their daughter Raewynn, Ruarii's wife Elfina was a healer. Their daughter Hestia preferred to help with the runners. She was a little younger than Jothan, both of them not quite come of age. Raewynn was older than her brother, wed to Tairel and expecting his child. The other hands were single men, some of them casual, other more permanent.

"Jothan!"

His father's voice broke into the boy's daydreams. Without pausing his grooming he called out,

"Here, Da."

Loren looked into the stall.

"Sparky's jumped the fence again. Go look for him will you? Threadfall is due tomorrow, you don't want to lose him."

"Sure, Da."

Jothan put away his grooming kit on its shelf, his father insisted on keeping the beasthold tidy and kit looked after, and would scold Jothan if he left a mess. He took a halter from its peg, then he collected some lunch and a bottle of water from the kitchen. It wasn't the first time Sparky had run off and likely wouldn't be the last. The runner seemed able to jump any fence, however high, and enjoyed the freedom of running the plains. If he followed the pattern of his previous escapes Jothan could expect to spend most of the day looking for him. With everything in a bag over his shoulder he set off.

He knew Sparky wouldn't cross the river or the road. The contrary creature usually headed eastwards, towards the mountains so he chose that general direction. It still left a lot of ground to cover though. He didn't waste time, not with the threat of threadfall in the morning. If he needed he could shelter in the caves that bordered their land. But he knew his parents would rather he was safely home even if he didn't find Sparky.

It was a long way to the caves and he stopped to eat his lunch on the way. For once he got lucky, the sun was well past its noonday height when he saw the errant runner grazing peacefully. He had obviously tired of running for he made no effort to avoid him as he approached. Speaking softly to reassure the creature he gently slipped the halter over Sparky's head and fastened it.

"Good boy," he murmured quietly. "Shall we go home now."

He pulled himself up onto the runner's back but before he could settle himself comfortably something spooked Sparky and he reared up, throwing the boy. Jothan hit the ground hard, his head impacting on a hidden rock, knocking him unconscious.

He awoke in complete darkness, disoriented, dizzy from the blow to his head. His hands were bound, and a cloth had been tied over his eyes. The ground beneath him felt sandy, gritty, and he had no idea where he was or how long he'd been there. Around him he heard the voices of several men, obviously discussing him, but no one bothered to actually speak to him.

"Keep him here until threadfall is over," someone said.

"We don't want him telling anyone we're here."

"And after?"

"Just leave him. We'll be long gone before they find him, if they even bother looking. Scrawny kid like that ain't good for much."

"I dunno. We could have some fun with him. He's pretty as a girl."

Jothan shuddered, scared without knowing why. His sheltered life at Low River meant he was ignorant of many of the lifestyle choices prevalent in the wider world. He wouldn't be so much longer.

He felt his clothes being tugged down, hands touching him in places no one had the right to touch, and then pain, so much pain. He screamed, begged them to stop, but they just laughed and carried on, taking turns until his body could endure no more and, mercifully, he passed out.

The next time he awoke he was in a different place, in a moving wagon held by strong yet gentle arms. There were more voices, not the same, not those of the men who'd assaulted him. This time he recognised the familiar tones of his father, of Raewynn's husband Tairel though he couldn't make out what they were saying. His head hurt too much to concentrate. It wasn't the only place that hurt, but he was having trouble understanding why he hurt there, why his trousers were wet and sticking to him. There were gaps in his memories of the last few hours, gaps which he suspected would be a blessing. He moved his head slightly only to be overwhelmed by dizziness.

"Lay still, son, we'll be home soon."

"Hurts, Da," he mumbled.

"I know. Your mam will make it better. Just wait."

Jothan's mother did her best for her son, she and Elfina could treat the damage done to his body and in time the scars would fade. But she had no idea how to heal the hurt done to his young mind. He changed from being the confident, outgoing boy he'd always been to withdrawn, nervous, afraid of everything. He wouldn't tell his father what had been done to him, though Loren could guess easily enough from the state he'd been in. Jothan had never seen the men's faces, couldn't identify them, so they'd never be brought to justice. What they'd done to him had left him broken both physically and mentally and he was too shamed to talk about it. Only the healer knew the extent of what he'd suffered and he'd begged her to keep it secret. He thought by not talking he could forget all the sooner but it wasn't so easy.

It affected his behaviour. He went about his chores silent and always alert, no longer indulging in daydreams. Out in the open he felt halfway safe, he could see in every direction, see if any stranger approached and avoid them. Inside the farmhold, inside any enclosed place he felt nervous, constantly afraid his abusers were hiding, waiting to attack him again. Even during threadfall he couldn't face being inside the crowded hold, he preferred the company of the beasts in the barns.

He wouldn't let any man near him, not even those farmhands who'd known him most of his life. He just couldn't bring himself to trust anyone anymore.

Jothan was working out in front of the hold, clearing weeds from the pasture, as the dragons circled down and landed near the farmhouse. He watched them curiously, assessing them with a stockman's eye. One was a brown, large, well muscled, his hide almost bronze as the sunlight caught him. The other was blue, smaller, sleeker than his companion. Browns had almost as much staying power as bronzes, he knew, but blues were more agile in the air, second only to the greens, smallest of all the colours.

He knew why they were here of course. Everyone knew about the clutch of eggs that waited on the sands of Benden's hatching cavern. Word had circulated that the riders were on search but Jothan wasn't interested. As a small boy he'd dreamed of becoming a dragonrider, what boy hadn't, but not any more. Sharing your life with a dragon required a degree of trust that he no longer felt capable of since the attack bare sevendays ago.

The riders dismounted with the ease of much practice and strode to the hold's door where his father, alerted to their coming, waited to greet them. Loren led them inside and Jothan returned to his task, occasionally glancing up at the dragons to be sure they kept their distance. He'd never heard of dragons harming anyone, but he was taking no chances. They turned lazily to watch him but made no effort to move.

He wondered who they'd choose, there weren't many here of the age they seemed to prefer, young people who would grow up alongside their dragon. One or two of the stockmen were young enough, Hestia maybe, Raewynn? No, surely not his sister, not when she was so close to birthing her baby. He'd miss Hestia if she went but she deserved better than a man who was afraid to touch her. He discounted himself for obvious reasons.

_He would be a good choice. I feel power in him._

_No. He is too damaged. Can't you feel it? He is hurting._

_Yes, but the hurt is still new. Given time he could be healed._

Jothan dropped the weed he'd just pulled and straightened, looking around in a panic. There was no one there, but he'd heard the voices so clearly... or had he?

"Go away," he whispered. "Leave me alone."

_No. We can't do that. Come with us._

_"I can't. Please, let me be. I'm no use to you." _

L'san approached the hold with a certain amount of caution. There were still some holders who begrudged the weyr's right to search and he didn't want to stir up unnecessary trouble.

"Good day, holder. May we search among your people?' the brown dragon's rider asked with an open, friendly smile.

Holder Loren regarded the riders and nodded.

"You're welcome to search here. I won't stand in the way of anyone who wants to go with you."

He invited them inside where Toria offered them refreshments while they talked to everyone. Most of the stockmen were too old and clearly not what had attracted their dragons to this out of the way hold. The holder's daughter might have been a possibility, but she was heavily pregnant. L'san would not even consider taking her, although he knew some might.

"Is this all your household?"

"Aye. All but my son. But he'll be no use to you. He's damaged."

"We'd still like to see him."

"He won't come in here, not with so many people, but I can take you to him."

The speaker was an attractive red-haired girl still in her teens who'd been introduced as Hestia. At the riders' aquiescence she led them outside.

"Jothan and I were promised, we were to be wed this summer, but then something happened. He was attacked and badly beaten. And something more, I think, but he won't tell us. Since then he scarcely speaks, he won't touch me, won't come inside the hold. He's scared of every shadow. I hate to see him like that, but I don't know how to help him."

Jothan watched as the riders left the house with Hestia. So they had chosen her. Well, good fortune to her he thought sadly. She deserves it.

_She is not the one. You are._

"No I can't be."

Jothan made no effort to run as the group approached him, he knew the dragons would find him whether he wanted or not. They stopped a few feet from him.

"Jothan, they want to talk to you. Hear them out."

He could hear the pleading in Hestia's voice, wanting to make it right but not knowing how.

"I'll listen. But they're wasting their time."

One of the riders took a step forward but stopped as the boy looked about to run.

"Jothan, I'm L'san, rider of brown Carynth. He believes you could be a potential dragonrider."

"Wireth says he is too damaged. You're wasting our time, L'san," the other rider said.

Jothan shook his head and backed away.

"He's right. I am damaged, past helping. Just let me be."

"Jothan, please, hear them out. I can't bear to see you live your life like this."

"Then don't. I offered to free you from your promise. Take it and leave me be."

L'san sensed the girl's distress. She clearly loved the boy enough to be willing to do anything for him.

'Can we help him, Carynth? Is there a chance to make him whole again? He is so young to have given up on life like this.'

The big brown lumbered across the field and lowered his head to peer at Jothan. It took everything the boy had to stay still and endure the dragon's searching probe.

_Yes, my own, we can help him. But he needs the female too. _

'Then we'll take her too if she'll come.'

_For him she'll do anything._

_Come with us, little one. Let us heal you. Help you forget the hurt that was done to you._

Jothan looked up, his face streaked with the tears he could not stop. He was overwhelmed by the love he felt directed at him from the dragon, from his rider and most of all from Hestia. How could he refuse? Cautiously he reached up a hand to touch Carynth's soft hide.

"Yes, " he choked out, "I'll come."

Vaguely he heard L'san speaking to Hestia, but what he said didn't register with Jothan.

"Come, lad, you need to tell your father and to pack your belongings."

Jothan allowed L'san to lead him back to the house. The rider opened the door and went inside. The boy followed but hesitated at the door until he realised nearly everyone had gone back to work and the room was empty of all but his and Hestia's family.

"Jothan has accepted our invitation and will be returning to Benden Weyr with us. He will need to pack his belongings."

Toria saw her son's panicked look and quickly said she would do it for him before disappearing into the back of the hold.

Hestia turned to her own parents to say,

"I'm going with them too, Jothan needs me." before hurrying away to pack her own things.

Loren looked at his son.

"Are you sure this is what you want, son?"

For some moments Jothan was silent, then he looked up at his father.

"Yes. If they can help me I have to try. I can't go on living like this."

"I wish you could have told me what happened. Maybe I could have helped."

Jothan shook his head.

"No. There's nothing you could have done, nothing anyone could have done. I have to live with that. But with a dragon I won't have to be alone with the memories. They'll know, but it won't matter to them."

"It's your choice, son, and I'll respect that. You'll always be welcome back here if things don't work out."

Jothan nodded silently and Loren turned to L'san.

You'll watch out for my boy, rider?"

"L'san nodded.

"You have my word, Holder. And if things don't work out I'll see him safely returned to you if that's his choice."

It wasn't long before Toria and Hestia returned both carrying well-stuffed carrisacs. Hestia wore her thick winter coat, Toria carried Jothan's. She handed it to her son and watched as he put it on, clearly wanting to fuss over him, but holding back. Hestia made her farewell to her parents, hugging each in turn. Jothan simply stood watching. It was, L'san thought, as though he was scared of all physical contact. Jothan's sister came forward.

"Take care, little brother," she said softly, "come back to us whole."

Impulsively she flung her arms round him and held him close for mere moments, but when she released him the expression on his face was sheer panic. For a moment doubt crossed L'san's mind.

'Are you sure about him?' he asked Carynth.

_Yes, my own._

Together they walked to the dragons.

"Hestia, you ride with J'vor. Jothan, you'll ride Carynth with me."

L'san ignored his fellow rider's disappointed look, he'd made his decision for good reason. Jothan was exactly the type of young man J'vor preferred and L'san knew the blue rider would have been unable to resist flirting with him. He had the feeling such an action would be a really big mistake.

Watched by the holders the two dragons sprang aloft and went between, emerging high above Benden Weyr. Carynth circled round and glided down to land outside his weyr while Wirreth settled not far away. L'san and Jothan dismounted and waited for Hestia to join them. Both youngsters looked around them, Hestia with open curiosity, Jothan more warily.

_'C_arynth, where is the Weyrwoman_?'_

_In the living cavern. I called her._

'No need, we'll go to her.'

_The little one won't go in. He is afraid._

'What! Why didn't you tell me before?'

_He needs us. You would not have brought him._

'Maybe you're right. But you get to tell Lessa why.'

Carynth lowered his head and nudged his rider gently as the weyrwoman reached them, none too happy at being called away from what she'd been doing.

"We've new candidates for you," J'vor said cheerfully, unaware of the conversation that had been going on between the brown rider and his dragon.

"Why was I summoned out here?" Lessa demanded.

_"_Ask him," L'san replied, pointing at Carynth.

She turned her intimidating glare on the brown dragon.

_The little one is afraid to go inside. Because he was hurt he doesn't like places with lots of people._

'And yet you still brought him here. What were you thinking_?'_

_He needs us. We can help him._

After a moment's consideration Lessa nodded. She turned to Jothan.

"Is this what you want? Did you come here willingly?"

He gazed at the weyrwoman and nodded, swallowing nervously.

"Yes. I was searched. I agreed to come here. I couldn't stay at home anymore, I didn't feel safe there."

"Did someone there do something?"

"Not my family. It was someone else, someone I never saw. I was afraid they'd come back but they can't find me here."

Lessa reached out to touch his arm and he flinched.

"No one will hurt you here, you can stay for as long as you need. But you (she pointed at L'san) will be responsible for him."

L'san nodded.

She turned her gaze on the girl who stood near him.

"We have no queen egg for this hatching, girl. Why have you come?"

"I'm here for Jothan," Hestia said. "He needs me."

"Indeed? Well if you can make yourself useful you'll be welcome here."

Lessa turned and walked away as another woman approached the group, and came to L'san's side. He pulled her close and bent his head to kiss her. Taller than the weyrwoman, almost as tall as L'san, she wore a loose gown that moulded to her body and did nothing to hide her pregnancy.

"I've missed you," he murmured.

"Oh please," J'vor said in an exaggerated tone.

L'san laughed at his friend.

"No one asked you to stay and watch. Go find Z'kiel."

The blue rider remounted.

"Have fun with your babysitting," he teased before urging his dragon upwards to land on a weyr ledge across the bowl.

"Babysitting?"

"Lessa's request. She wants me to look after these two."

He beckoned the two youngsters closer.

"Jassenthe, these are Jothan and Hestia. Jothan is a candidate."

Jassenthe held out her hand in greeting. Hestia took it readily, Jothan was a little more hesitant, but the woman's grasp was firm and reassuring, her fingers marred by the callouses gained from the regular use of a bow.

"We need to find somewhere for Jothan to sleep. He's nervous about going into the lower cavern."

"I can't say I blame him. It can get rather overwhelming in there if you're not used to crowds. Well, as it'll only be until the hatching we could make him up a bed in our weyr. There's room enough."

L'san nodded.

"And what about you, Hestia, my dear? Do you have any particular needs?"

"No, I don't mind where I sleep, so long as Jothan doesn't need me."

"That's fine then. Let's get you settled in and leave the men to deal with getting a bed sorted out."

Jassenthe took one of Hestia's bags then led her away towards the entrance to the lower cavern. She skirted the tables where weyr folk were gathering for their midday meal and led the way to a passageway leading to the sleeping quarters. Pushing aside the curtain to a small but comfortable single cubicle she gestured the girl inside. Hestia entered then stood waiting.

"This will do you for now, until we know where you'll be sleeping permanently. Will Jothan want you with him when he has his own weyr? Or will you prefer to stay separate?"

"I don't know," Hestia replied, almost in a whisper. "I just don't know any more."

Jassenthe heard the sadness in her voice.

"Oh, my dear," she said, putting a comforting arm round the girl's shoulder and guiding her to sit beside her on the bed.

"Would you like to talk about it? You don't have to but it might help."

"Yes, I think I would."

Quietly, hesitantly, Hestia told Jassenthe the same tale she'd told L'san at the hold.

"I wouldn't let him break his promise to me. Whatever happened that he can't tell me, I still love him, still want to be with him. It's why I came here. But it hurts so much that he won't touch me any more, won't let me or anyone touch him. I just want us to be wed like we promised. Can we still do that if he becomes a rider?"

Jassenthe gazed at her thoughtfully, realising that life in the weyr was going to come as quite a shock to the girl.

"Not exactly. A dragonrider has to mate where his dragon chooses during mating flights but other times he can choose whoever he wants. If you make it known you are a couple people will respect that and leave you alone.

"I understand how you feel, better than you think. I was the daughter of a minor holder, L'san a journeyman blacksmith. We'd barely been wed a sevenday when he was searched. I'd fought long and hard to persuade my father to let us marry, there was no way I was going to be separated from him, so I insisted on coming too.

"The hardest thing was having to be apart while Carynth was young, but (she grinned mischievously) we made up for it afterwards. It's not easy seeing L'san pair with another rider if Carynth wins a mating flight, but I know he'll come back to me when it's over. I'm the one who shares his weyr, not them. That is how you need to think."

"Thank you," Hestia whispered, "that does help."

"Good. Now leave your things here. It's time to eat."

Jassenthe led the way out of the cubicle where she paused to fish a piece of chalk from her pocket and write Hestia's name on a plaque beside the curtain.

"You'll be able to find your way back later. Now I'll show you where everything else you need is then we'll get some lunch before that greedy lot finish it off."

They filled trays with food for the four of them and headed back to L'san's weyr.

L'san watched Jassenthe and Hestia walk away, then turned to Jothan.

"Let's see what's in the stores. There's bound to be something you can use. Leave your bags there for now. Carynth will watch them."

He led the way past the living cavern and down into the stores. Jothan followed somewhat apprehensively. With an effort he quelled his rising panic at being so far underground and helped the rider to retrieve the simple bed frame and mattress he'd found. They carried them outside and over to L'san's weyr. As they put them down the rider turned to look at the boy.

"Are you all right?"

Jothan nodded.

"I will be. I don't like to be in caves. I feel trapped even when I know I'm not. I'm sorry."

"No need to be, lad. It's not something you can help. Now let's get this set up for you."

They finished the job just as Jassenthe and Hestia returned with food. Jassenthe set out the food on L'san's table, then they sat down to eat. While they were thus occupied L'san and Jassenthe explained what they could expect from life in the weyr. Hestia, they quickly realised, would accept anything for Jothan's sake. His happiness was all that was important to her.

Jothan, on the other hand, L'san couldn't figure him out. He wanted to be here, he'd said as much to Lessa. But something was troubling him. He wouldn't talk about it, in fact he hardly said anything at all, preferring to let Hestia speak for him. L'san had the feeling that Carynth knew more than he was saying. The dragon had been so insistent that they brought the boy to the weyr but he wouldn't say why.

Well there couldn't be more than a few days before the hatching. Riders were bringing in candidates from all over the region and there was a sense of anticipation prevalent in the weyr. L'san could wait, he was patient, an attribute he'd learned as an apprentice at the smithcraft hall. You couldn't rush the crafting of a fine weapon or piece of jewelry anymore than you could rush the hatching of an egg.

Over the next few days more candidates arrived at the weyr. Jothan hardly stirred more than a few yards from L'san's weyr. He showed no inclination to get to know the people he'd potentially be spending osofis time with for the next turn or two. Increasingly worried about the boy the brownrider tried to get him to open up, to talk, to interact with anybody, but to no avail.

In the end L'san settled for telling him what to expect at the hatching, how to keep himself safe from bewildered, hungry, clumsy hatchlings, and what he'd need to do for a dragon in its first few minutes. Even then he wasn't sure what the boy took in. Hestia, not even a candidate, understood more.


End file.
